CHAPTER ONE - THE MISTRESS AND THE PRIEST
I should note off the bat that the only file I could find of this was pretty rough: low res and the aspect ratio was off but available for free on YouTube! In a way, this added to the experience but it was also occasionally difficult to discern if some of the crapiness was intentional or not. But suffice to say, this looks and sounds like shit. Duh.The film is narrated by Michaels himself and he has all the charisma of a nervous middle schooler rushing through a school presentation. He begins...
This is so bad it's almost experimental it's so bad. It's beautiful. The variance in shots and editing styles is all over the map. It's bad in a way I could have never expected, which is always the preferred way I'd like a thing to be bad. This voiceover is just perfect...
The placement of the camera shot to shot, especially in the beginning of this, is just fascinating. They would go on to shoot a good portion of this on location in the Tennessee State Prison (with real inmates used as extras!) but these setups are pretty creative albeit in the most lo-fi way possible.
CHAPTER 2 - THE FANTASY
We are introduced to Bret's character with him wearing a werewolf mask with a balaclava underneath it and committing a murder by strangulation on a stripper named Angel AKA Christy, with a little necro-rape chaser. PSYCH! It's just role-play, y'all. But you might wanna keep extra close tabs on that VHS tape....That sequence sums up the entire movie in a lot of ways. He goes to take a shower and she is killed FOR REAL and this set offs a never-ending series of increasingly convoluted events that all come dangerously close to making sense but never quite do. Basically the real killer temporarily takes the VHS tape so Bret can't find and calls 911 so that they think Bret is the killer when the tape somehow makes it's way back to the cops? Anyway, Bret throws a lamp at the cops and the entirety of the next chapter (CHAPTER 3 - THE CHASE) is just him driving away and crashing into a parked car until Charlie Sheen catches him...
CHAPTER 4 - THE VERDICT ONE WEEK LATER
Now that's what I call swift justice! Also, Bret's lawyer and the Governor. Oh yeah, the Governor was the guy who had the mistress who went to the priest about it in Chapter One and the priest is a character named Father Lucifer (!) whom the Governor framed for the murder of an altar boy because he wouldn't grant him a divorce because the mistress he was also having an affair with was Angel the stripper, RIP Angel–are you following this?Also Bret's lawyer is maybe involved romantically with this stripper girl too. And he's maybe, probably being a bad lawyer on purpose.
Now he's having a dream sequence on an electric chair with a little person.. The little person says have a pleasant execution...
CHAPTER 5 – THE BIG HOUSE
It's guilty as charged, and now it's time for another rocking Bret Michael's jam and montage!This is a pretty cool Death Row imo because they let Bret Michaels have a Walkman in jail...
Among the other prisoners on death row we have an over-the-top Nazi with a Confederate Flag in his jail cell, a token black guy, Lucifer the Priest, and a mysterious quiet dude. Throughout the film, they've also been cutting to close ups of Bret Michaels saying the dialogue of both his lines and the other characters. Huh? Wonder what's that all about. Probably nothing.
CHAPTER 6 – THE COLD REALITY
Bret meets the warden and he sits on the jail cell toilet next to Bret before torturing him and it's all outwardly homoerotic because: prison...During the torture they remove his dentures (Bret Michaels has dentures in this) and so he talks with a lisp when he agrees to be interviewed by a sexy journalism lady...
In addition to the closeups of Bret mouthing the dialogue, we get little flashes of the screenplay. This is the avant grade...
CHAPTER 7 – THE DANKER EXECUTION
Danker is the Nazi and he wears a dress to his execution and they cut off Bret's hair because he has lice and he talks to a priest whilst in a wheelchair.CHAPTER 8 – THE HELL HOLE
The warden gets into it w the journalism lady in a pretty hilarious and also important scene...They throw Bret into solitary confinement with Lucifer the Priest. I'm not sure that's how solitary confinement works, but that is the least of our concerns! They share a pretty nice prison breakfast together as Lucifer the Priest tells Bret all about the evil Governor and how he is innocent of his crime too.
Then the quiet dude inmate gets a secret message from a nun.
Then there's a short country song sung by Bret to a black and white montage of Lucifer smoking.
Then Bret meets with the journalism lady and the lawyer who tells him that one of his songs got published while he was in prison LOL...
The lawyer and journalism lady arrange to fly in Bret's dad from Pittsburgh...
CHAPTER 9 – THE DEAD MAN'S SONG
This is the only screen time for Michael Sheen in the role of Bret's dad: 92?? seconds. For that, he earned top billing on the movie poster. Earlier, Charlie Sheen appeared in the completely inconsequential role of "Cop #1" that is literally billed as a "cameo appearance" in the opening credits. Why on earth the Sheens agreed to be in this thing is a true mystery, but we still have an amazing 30 minutes of movie to get to...The journalism lady sends him a guitar as a gift with a note that says to write a song for her.
Then we have probably the best two-minute sequence of the entire film, culminating on the prison basketball court which might be the funniest thing I've ever seen...
CHAPTER 9 – DAY OF LUCIFER'S EXECUTION
A random maintenance man coordinates with the nun to jailbreak Lucifer, which they are able to do because they leave him alone with a lit cigarette that Bret puts in his mouth and and he starts a huge fire...After he breaks out of jail, we are introduced briefly to the Governor's creepy-ass young son...
(The son is almost-murdered off-camera a little later. That's why they needed this scene.)
The whole plot goes off the rail at this point. It's like Scooby Doo after Scooby Doo ending from here on out. Strap in. Basically, Bret tells the warden that Lucifer the Priest is on his way to kill the Governor. Only the mysterious nun double-crosses Lucifer and shoots him dead. Someone throws the creepy son out of his bedroom window and they all assume it's Lucifer not knowing that Lucifer was murdered (they all assume he shot himself after trying to kill the kid).
CHAPTER 10 – THE LETTER
Journalism lady goes off the deep-end, freaking out about how she can't have any more children. She proceeds to rip up a picture of the Governor and puts it on her vagina. Please note: that her connection/attraction to the Governor was not setup AT ALL. This is the first time the audience is learning of this infatuation. However, despite that rather large omission, everything kinda makes sense. It's kind of the genius of this movie: it comes dangerously close to making sense!You see, the lawyer confesses to Bret in the form of a letter that it was journalism lady who killed Angel AKA Christy in a fit of jealous rage because the Governor was having an affair with her. She also threw the kid out of the window and shot Lucifer the Priest.
CHAPTER 11 – THE FAMOUS FINAL SCENE
Hell. Yes. That. Title.Now the Governor is grilling Bret in prison and he's really mad and he somehow gets the letter away from Brett.
Then the Governor grabs a gun and shoots Bret Michaels.
I originally thought this was Charlie Sheen, playing the doctor of the creepy's son who got thrown out of the window. Anyway whoever this guy is, he has a cool mullet...
Everyone finds out the truth about journalism lady and Bret is released from prison. They catch her trying to finish the job of killing the Governor's son with a pillow in the hospital...
FOUR YEARS LATER, Bret Michaels goes to visit the lady in prison – the tables turned...
Orrrrrr does he??? Haha there is one more final final twist because of course there is...
The last line of dialogue in this is pure perfection and the closing credits jam is a bop...
And so there it is: one of the best bad movies I've ever seen. A criminally underrated bad movie that hits almost all of the great bad movies notes you could ever possibly want. Loved it. Loved it. Loved it.
CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 314 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 316 ⫸
⫷ EPISODE 314 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 316 ⫸
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