Parasite

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🎙️ EPISODE 528: 08.08.22 The main crime of this movie — as is the major flaw of many a motion picture in whatever genre, time period, or budget-level — is that it is painfully boring for stretches. Directed by the legendary Charles Band — best known as the producer/driving force behind the Puppet Master franchise, as well as his B-movie factory, Full Moon — the original Parasite (sorry BJH!) is a monster / dystopian sci-fi / horror C-level flick that's best known at this point for harboring Demi Moore's first starring performance (it's not notable in anyway!). The film isn't necessarily hard to follow through its countless slogs (thank god for the sub-90-minute runtime!). Except that is, for the beginning. I've watched the opening scene to this movie five times and I still don't know what's going on. Isn't the doctor, lead actor Robert Glaudini in the role of scientist Paul Dean (Paula Dean's dad), also the patient??? WHAT

That was an excellent scream, though. It's also set up to seem like a dream, but we learn that all of that (whatever that was) really happened. Anyway, let's get into this thing (and out as quickly as possible).

Let me just steal this first paragraph from Wikipedia...

In the near future, an atomic disaster has reduced the world to poverty. Instead of a government, America is run by an organization called the Merchants, who exploit the degenerate remains of society. In order to keep control of the populace, the Merchants force Dr. Paul Dean to create a new life form, a parasite that feeds on its host. Realizing the deadly potential of such a being, Dean escapes the Merchants with the parasite, infecting himself in the process.

...because, while all of that is eventually made clear enough, it's never spelt out for the audience. I sort of loved how loose, cryptic and unexplained everything was. There are only a few moments of "OK we need to tell the viewer exactly what the fucking is going" exposition. Charles Band is better known for his horror-comedies but this one has not an inkling of humor. It's trying to be moody and serious, and — while it fails for a variety of reasons — over-explaining the kooky plot ain't one of them.

So the infected Dr. Dean is roaming California aimlessly when he finds himself out in the desert near Joshua Tree. There he encounters some thugs raping a lady, so naturally he takes out his laser gun and shoots at them. (There are two types of people in this world: those who have regular guns and those who have laser guns. A tale as old as time.) He meets an old-timer named Buddy who gives him some coffee (super rare in this post-apocalypse) and as soon as he leaves Buddy's the rapists AND THE GIRL THEY WERE JUST TRYING TO RAPE attack him. But one of the dudes gets bitten by a rattlesnake and then impaled with a pole...


This was, by and large, a pretty nice introduction to the hell world they're living in and that slow zoom on the pipe dripping blood ain't too shabby neither. It's too bad for the next half-hour of the movie nothing that exciting happens ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Let's kick it back to Wikipedia out of shear laziness...

Now on the run, he travels from town to town, studying the parasite so that he can find a way to destroy it, all the while keeping one step ahead of a Merchant named Wolf, who is hunting for him. While resting in a desert town, he is attacked by a gang of hooligans-Dana, Arn, Shell, Bo, and Zeke, led by Ricus, former slave of the Merchants. The gang steal a silver canister containing the parasite, not realizing what it is. It escapes and infects one of the members.

Paul is saved from the hooligans by Demi Moore who nurses him back to health with some good ole-fashioned rattlesnake tea...


Remember that guy Buddy from before? No? Well, he gets his hand laser-gunned off by that dude Wolf...


That guy Zeke who got attacked by the big parasite is just chilling in their warehouse as it sucks the life out of him. His friends are all just hanging around until they get the idea to try and cut it off, but it's too late...


Then Paul and Demi Moore go into one of the big, boring (bad) expo dumps I mentioned earlier. We learn there are only two parasites: the one inside him and that larger one that was in the tube. And he needed to study it to learn how to kill it or something, or eventually they'll release spores that will turn into millions of parasites (or something). You find yourself wishing this was the super-vague movie you'd just been watching moments prior...


After the parasite kills Zeke, it latches onto a girl in their crew and we get a real nice look at the creature design...


The problem with this monster is that it's deployed inconsistently and too infrequently; it sort of looks slightly different every time. I'm sure this had more to do with logistics than anything else and when you consider that, I feel it adds to the charm in a way.

When the creature is done with that girl, it slithers off in search of its next victim. And it finds one in the form of the hotel owner lady wearing way too much makeup. This is probably the best sequence in the film. Especially this shot of it sliming across the ceiling and dropping goop down below before dive-bombing on this lady's face...


I mean these are genuinely cool-looking! ...


But they weren't done with this lady yet. The parasite quickly starts zombifying her and this prosthetic/makeup is somehow both amazing and embarrassing and then OH MY GOD IT TEARS TROUGH HER FACE!!! ...


I said IT TEARS THROUGH HER FACE!!!!!! ...
The FX are so lo-fi in this (and sporadic taboot), but I found them totally endearing.

So they figured out if they can get a syringe full of the big parasite's goop they can hook it up to some type of frequency machine thing and create a sound-wave that will kill the little parasite inside Paul. It makes ZERO sense! Who cares lol. Paul and Demi Moore are able to corral it for a second and jab it with the needle...


Just like they thought, mixing the parasite goop with the sound thingie causes the little guy inside Paul's tummy to burst out and die (but not before it TRIES to latch onto Demi Moore). Naturally...


The gang leader Ricus turns into a good guy and tries to confront Wolf but his regular gun is no match for Wolf's laser gun and so RIP Ricus. Then this guy Wolf fucking kicks Demi Moore in the head, which is the second time she's brutally knocked out and Jesus Christ, how many times can you knockout Demi Moore in one movie? As Paul and Wolf fight, the parasite latches onto Wolf and he goes flying off a balcony landing. Then they shoot a gas tank and blow-up both Wolf and the parasite. It's a pretty great! Watch this shit...


The movie ends on a random, cryptic closeup of some parasite scales perhaps suggesting they didn't totally kill the parasites? Well, there was never any sequel to this. At the time they probably thought why the hell not, just in case.

The highs in this are fairly high but there's just far too much filler. It's not cult classic worthy, and it absolutely drags ass at times, but I give it an A for effort. I'm a sucker for these low-budget sci-fi horror romps. So take my mild recommendation with a grain of salt.

CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 527 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 529 ⫸

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Parasite is a 1982 American science fiction horror film produced and directed by Charles Band. The film is set in a dystopian, post-apocalyptic future in which the United States has been taken over by a criminal organization which unwittingly creates an uncontrollable deadly parasite and sets it loose on the population. The film received negative reviews from film critics, who viewed it as a poorly written B movie with unconvincing special effects. The film features actress Demi Moore in her first major film role. It was released on March 12, 1982.