Inconceivable

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🎙️ EPISODE 641: 02.02.23 Starting in 2020, I decided to watch & review the entire Nicolas Cage filmography in alphabetical order. This is 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔜𝔢𝔞𝔯 𝔬𝔣 ℭ𝔞𝔤𝔢 – Chapter 34. Cage takes a backseat in this one, a real rarity for him. Because this "soap opera on steroids" thriller is all about the ladies. Specifically: one crazy-ass psychotic lady. And hoo-boy, is this a wild ride, folks. Movies can be terrible for all sorts of reasons, but rarely are they so insanely slammed together like this. It's a marvel, really, that they just rolled with these choices like it was no big deal. The title of this movie is ''Inconceivable" which is a play on words. (I'll leave you to figure it out.) It's probably the smartest decision made by screenwriter Chloe King, whose only other writing credits are the Alyssa Milano vehicle Poison Ivy II, a few episodes on a Skinemax-ass looking show starring David Duchovny called Red Shoes Diaries from the early 90s, and, umm, THIS...

Look, I'm not trying to drag her. There's a place in this world for horny schlock. (And, for the record, I would watch the shit out of B. Monkey if we're being honest.) But that doesn't change the fact that I lost many 1,000s of brain cells watching this thing, and they're simply not coming back. Proceed with caution.

The movie begins with a lady wearing a very bad wig (acrtress Nicky Whelan) trying to leave with her baby in the night before stabbing her abusive partner in the gut...


(Pardon the Burmese subtitles from this ok.ru rip 😜)

After that intro, we cut to a drone shot of Cage jogging with a beanie on. We see a Harley outside of a mansion that the camera focuses on. You think they focus on this for a specific reason, right? Because that's how movies work. Maybe he it crashes later? But it's only mentioned in passing one more time the rest of the way. Look, this movie gets so many BIG things wrong that it can be easy to ignore the flood of little things it also gets wrong. But I'm not gonna do my best to not let that happen.

Cage is married to Gina Gershon. They are both doctors, though she's been a stay-at-home since the complicated birth of their daughter via egg donor several years ago. They have the most unnatural conversation about what the song "Purple Rain" is really about as they leave the house one day...


It's all made so much worse by the obvious and poorly done, pumped-in ADR. Those lines are completely inconsequential. Why even worry about it? Again, we're still on the small stuff. All of this pails in comparison to what's around the corner.

She takes her daughter to the splash park and is introduced to a lady named Katie by her friend Linda. They all set up a playdate for that afternoon with juice boxes, and wine for the moms of course! Oh yeah! It's wine o'clock up in this bitch! We see these fast friends all cozy under a blanket together in the very next scene...


This dialogue. Man, this dialogue is something else. Jesus. Also, why was her trainer friend Linda even hanging out at the splash park if she doesn't have kids herself? Cage gets home and everyone, all three adult women and two kids, are sleeping in the living room?! Not normal! People don't do this, especially people who've literally just met one another ...


They focus in on Katie's unnaturally blue eyes to let us know that, perhaps, she's not who we think she is.

But the next morning, she's still there and she's cooking breakfast. Later, Katies is STILL there and she's painting the faces of all the kids in the neighborhood. She says she wants to start a business painting little kids bedroom murals. This is a movie about female small business owners, folks. Sorry if you thought it was going to be an erotic thriller or something.

Cut to a BBQ on Memorial Day weekend. Here we meet a random dude (that's the director, Jonathan Baker, in a hilariously bad performance — more on him later!) and Cage's mother, played by Faye Dunaway...


I want to reiterate that no human being speaks like any of these people. Later that night, they're STILL all at the Cage residence. Gina then offers Katie and her daughter their guest house! I will remind you again, she literally just met this person not 48 hours ago and now they're essentially moving in.

Cage's mom doesn't like this new friend, says she gives her "the willies." Katie overhears this...


This is where we learn, via flashback, that Katie is bad wig lady from beginning (if you didn't gather that already). She's the killer. She comes clean with part of the story to Gina and Cage. Not the killing part, but that she left an abusive relationship. This prompts Gina to open up about how she had to use an egg donor because she waited too long to have kids. And then she got hooked on Xanax, afterwards. But now she's naturally preggers again, although Cage doesn't even know yet.

She immediately has a miscarriage the next day. This plot arc last maybe two minutes and has no real bearing on anything in the story. It could have been omitted entirely, but I guess you could say the same thing about this film's existence in general.

Then Katie tells the crew that she's moving to Colorado... so Gina immediately offers her guest house permanently as well as a job as house painter and nanny. Normal thing to ask your friend to do....


We then see the crew at another BBQ, this time for the 4th of July and Faye Dunaway really starts to pry about Katie's backstory. It's awkward. Later that night, Cage tries to get some ass from Gina when she is dead asleep. Lol Cage don't do that! ...


Then Katies takes a midnight topless dip in the pool and Cage peeps on her.

At this point, it seems pretty simply where this is going. It's a plot we've seen a million times before. So, I guess we have to give the movie a little credit that Cage and her don't end up having an affair, that the twists and turns don't have a single thing to do with Cage actually. But that's definitely giving the movie too much credit.

Gina goes back to work doctoring and whatnot and Katie has the full run of the whole property so she immediately proceeds to go in their closet and smell their clothes. I kinda liked how they set this up as a totally justified action of self-defense before immediately pivoting to making this chick a Fatal Attraction-like stalker. But I was so naive then.

Gina gets home early one day and catches Katie having sex in the guest house. We assume it's Cage but it turns out to be a lady! Ooh-la-la! They have a good chuckle about that because she thought it was her husband, haha.

Cut to the other friend Linda jogging in a bikini top that no woman in her right mind would be jogging in (though I appreciate the movie's horniness lol), and — damn — this is Katie's secret lesbian lover! It's Linda! ...


Linda drops a bombshell on Katie at the beach: Cage and Gina are gonna ask her to be their surrogate for a second child.

And now folks, here is where the movie goes OFF THE FUCKING RAILS...

Katie strips down to her underwear and confronts Linda in the lake...


RIP Linda. So if you didn't get all that... Katie is the egg donor for both Cage and Gina's current daughter and the next one they're gonna use. Also, she's done this before. A woman used one of her eggs in Maine and she kidnapped the baby after it was born (more on this later).

This is a soap opera. We're not watching a movie anymore. Although, a daytime soap probably wouldn't even go here. It's too silly. She has to kill Linda because she knows too much.

And despite this Linda character being set up as one of Gina's BEST friends, her death isn't even mentioned as being suspicious until much later in the movie. It's just not addressed. They all go living their lives as if nothing happened.

In fact, since they're down a surrogate because of the murder and all, they ask Katie to do it for 40K on top of whatever she has worked out with the painter/nanny gig. So she's gonna be a surrogate carrying her own egg ? Jesus this movie. Gina briefly mentions Linda's death but don't blink or you'll miss it, in this conversation with Cage's mom...


Then Cage and Gina discuss the whole situation and it was about here when I realized Cage hasn't been in this too much at all. This is the rarest of Cage efforts where he's definitely not the central protagonist or antagonist, or some other notable wacky side character. He's just some dude. It could be anyone.

Flash forward, and she's four months pregnant. At the park, Gina catches Katie saying that the kids are twins to another mom, then they go to a pregnancy exam together. Flashback to an exam of her donating the eggs originally, in the bad wig of course...


We then get yet another flashback to the wig mode era. And in this one, we see her MURDERING THE MOTHER OF HER CHILD, AKA EGG #1...


I was confused by this because, well, the movie is confusing. You're made to think that the guy she killed in the beginning was her baby's father but that must have been some guy she started dating/living with, immediately AFTER committing this murder in Maine? But she has a picture of an older kid on her phone before she kills the lady??? I would rack my brain over this some more if I didn't think the most plausible answer is that there are just serious plot holes and straight-up continuity errors. C’est la vie.

What that scene did explain, however, was this psycho's motivation for all her dastardly deeds. This is a very anti-working-mom and anti-wine-mom movie, in my opinion. Katie just hates both kinds of moms so much she is willing to kill to rescue her eggs/children from leading such horrible lives. And that is HILARIOUS. This movie never outwardly screams "Good Bad Movie" but if you let yourself get into it, it's definitely hitting most of the beats.

While they were at the checkup, Gina convinced the gynecologist to subscribe Katie Xanax because of her outburst. I'm sure this is a normal thing a doctor of that ilk does all the time. Confronted with the temptation to start using again herself, Gina tosses the bottle of Xanax in the trash and Katie sees her. Thinking she's hooked again, it's clear Katie feels this is just another mother she can't trust to leave her children with. Later, Gina finds the book What to Expect When You're Expecting in Katie's room and it has a bunch of notes like "I can't wait to hold you in my arms" and there's a picture of the dude she murdered for some reason in it? Gina is starting to get really suspicious now and she starts googling shit.

Then, the two little girls bump heads and Gina says, "Let's get you some Neosporin." For a slight bump of the head? Literally nothing in this movie makes sense. Does she know what Neosporin is for?

Finally, Gina confronts Katie and tells her that she knows she's up to something. It's another insane scene with all four of the characters in the new baby's room...


At least they finally bring up the Linda thing for real, almost forty minutes after the fact. Right after that, Cage tells Gina that her freak-out was grounds for Katie keeping the baby? I'm not sure that's accurate. He's worried and wants her to take a drug test. This movie lacks all logic and all common sense.

Gina goes snooping and finds a pair of blue contact lens. Detective Gershon is hot on the trail now. She goes to the egg donor website, watches a short video and then calls them to try to get some answers. It's another maddening sequence that ends with her spotting a painted mural in the background of the video that matches Katie's mural style. She asks who painted it, and the lady on the phone tells her it was one of their donor's and so she can't reveal the name. No worries. Remember that random guy who was at the Memorial Day BBQ? Turns out he is Gina's DNA guy down at the hospital. And he is QUITE the acting protege...


Talk about a double threat! What can't this guy do.

The next day, Katie throws a whole bunch of Xanax into Gina's juicer lol. Jesus. She drops off the DNA samples and she is high as shit driving now, really struggling behind the wheel. She stops and falls asleep in her car. She wakes up and it's hours later. When she finally gets home, still zonked out of her gorde, there's a surprise baby shower waiting for her...


Poor Cage... really trying his best in this mess.

Next, Katie does the Scooby Doo reveal to Gina and basically goes completely bonkers...


She stabs herself and then does a fake fight which ends with the knife in Gina's gut. Holy crappppp. They wheel both ladies out of the house in an ambulance. The DNA man finds cage at the hospital and shares the results. Also, the gyno doctor is the one treating Gina for her stab wounds?!?! ....


Well, he couldn't save her, or so we're led to believe, because she was stabbed and because he is gynecologist. So then Cage, knowing now that Gina was right the whole time about Katie's plan, goes into see Katie who is being prepped for an emergency C-section. He tells her that Gina is dead. She tries to make out with Cage before going under because of course why not. Her trying to seduce Cage was probably the one element they forgot to shoehorn in here, so better late than never. The fucking gyno, straight out of stab wound surgery or whatever, comes in to do the procedure...


At this point, there's about ten minutes left and I have no idea how they're going to wrap this shit up. No stupid ending is off the table.

When Katie wakes up, she wants to see the baby, so Cage wheels her to outside the nursery glass and says "take a good look because it's gonna be your last." Then, from a door on the inside of the nursery, Gina emerges alive and well. Sure! Why not. Cage, Gina and the new baby all hug as Katie freaks the fuck out behing the glass. Then the cops show up.

We cut to Katie inside a padded room with her "original" eye color, which looks even faker than the blue. Then we see Cage and Gina together with all three kids. And Cage gives her a locket with pictures of all three kids in it. This is their family now: Cage and Gina and the three offspring of Katie whose locked away in a mental institute. And that's how the movie ends...


I can't even put into words how bad this is. It doesn't operate with any semblance of normal or relatable logic. In a sea of bad movies, and specifically bad Cage movies of this era, it stands alone as being the most incompetent entry I've come across in a very very long time. For that and that alone, it has to be seen to be believed.

But it isn't quite bad in the fun way that something like Between Worlds was, for example. Still, you might be able to get some laffz out of its ridiculous plot and bad acting (I think the deliriously dumb A Score to Settle is the closest comparison in the Cage series thus far). The director personally thanks Warren Beatty at the end of the credits. Like the whole of this "film," it's just another WTF element that'll leave you wondering why.

And that’s always better than not wondering anything at all.


THE VERDICT: 6 CAGES OUT OF 10 • CLICK HERE for all 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔜𝔢𝔞𝔯 𝔬𝔣 ℭ𝔞𝔤𝔢 Chapters + Ongoing Rankings.

CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 640 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 642 ⫸

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Inconceivable is a 2017 American thriller film directed by Jonathan Baker and written by Chloe King. It stars Gina Gershon, Faye Dunaway, Nicolas Cage, Nicky Whelan and Natalie Eva Marie. It was released on June 30, 2017.