Jiu Jitsu

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🎙️ EPISODE 656: 03.02.23 Starting in 2020, I decided to watch & review the entire Nicolas Cage filmography in alphabetical order. This is 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔜𝔢𝔞𝔯 𝔬𝔣 ℭ𝔞𝔤𝔢 – Chapter 36. This movie feels like it was written by a 4th grader. I'll try my best to unpack the plot in a nutshell but because I am an adult and not a child, some of this didn't make sense to me. Basically, every six years a blue comet passes near the earth which opens a secret portal in a grand temple located on a remote Burmese mountainside. From this portal comes a humanoid alien named BRAX that must be defeated by a loose band of rogue martial arts experts. Also, this alien race is the reason we even have jiu jitsu and other martial arts and I guess samurai artillery, like swords and nunchucks and ninja stars, to begin with? Something like that. For 1,000 years, they've defeated this blue-faced guy and — spoiler alert! — this go-around ain't gonna be no different.

So, right off the bat, all the stakes of this story are fucked. "Maybe this time BRAX will win?" You might be wondering. And if you're wondering that, I have good news for you. You are a child and you have the rest of your life to look forward to! I, unfortunately, do not have that luxury. I'm a grizzled old man poisoned with the knowledge that, no, this time is not going to be any different for 'ol BRAX. But let's be honest: there's no need to overthink it. The reason this 100-minute movie exists is to fill approximately 93 minutes of it with non-stop ninja fighting action. And on that front, director Dimitri Logothetis — who you might know from such bangers like the 1987 horror-comedy/Tony Basil vehicle Slaughterhouse Rock, or 2018's Kickboxer: Retaliation, the 7th (!) in that series featuring Jiu Jitsu's own Alain Moussi as well as Jean-Claude Van Damme, of course — has delivered a raging success.

The movie begins with said comet flying by earth and a dude being chased by CGI ninja stars...


And every single one misses him until he gets to the edge of a cliff and jumps into the water .

Nicolas Cage gets an "and" feature in the dopey looking comic book-style credits which makes me think he might not be in this too much? Seriously the graphics used in these credits are so cheap-looking.

The story is broken down into chapters with little graphic novel bumpers. The first is called THE RESCUE. We see Cage, wearing a ridiculous Asian farmer hat, RESCIE that dude from the river. He brings him to get help. This guy is in bad shape...


The elderly couple Cage drops him off with want no part of it, so the old lady brings him to an army guy with a heavy southern drawl. Outside we see the comet in the distant sky before getting some "translation comedy" and distracting, multiple color and font weight/size subtitles! ...


She explains some nonsense about a comet curse that the army guys don't understand. But it's basically the plot of the movie...


A lady army guy asks the mysterious, injured man if he's a "plutonium mule." She's with army intelligence and she's good, she tells him. Now they're in a dark and dingy interrogation room, where they discover he has a radiation detector. This dude is clueless. He has gotten super amnesia from the fall into the river.

Then, all of a sudden, he goes beast mode on the army guys with what appear to be super human powers, but it turns out he's just really sick at fighting. He seems surprised by his ability to beat up so many soldiers at once...


But lady army guy is able to stick him with a syringe and tranquilize him. Now there's a confusing scene where she gives him a truth serum and he has visions of a temple. Who are you working for? He doesn't seem to know. He only knows that he has a job to do.

She lets him out to get some air to see if it will help jog his memory as another comic book interlude introduces the next segment , aptly called REUNION.

A mean-looking hooded guy attacks the army dudes and his martial arts are better than their machine guns, naturally. He fucks up a bunch of the soldiers. So many freaking soldiers.

The fighting action is alright, slightly above average. It's mostly practical stunt work but too much slow-motion. He messes up like 20 guys in a row. It just goes on and on. He somehow even survives karate jumping into a swarm of bullets before rescuing amnesia boy...


Together, these two fuck up even more army men and this time we get a video game first person POV-style action sequence. Kudos for mixing it up, but it goes on and on and on. It's too much kicking and punching! I'm sorry. I love kicking and punching as much as the next guy but there needs to be a limit. They escape (of course). And start walking through a wide open field towards a temple. Too bad the US army doesn't have any helicopters.

He meets some more people in the field and one of them calls him Jake. So he's Jake. He has no clue who they are, but it seems like one of the chicks in this group is vaguely reminiscent .

Then a magical force starts chucking them around like rag-dolls via Terminator-style infrared vision...


The army guys catch up with them and, guess what? They fuck 'em up! The ninja chick uses some cool ass dart gun and nunchucks too. Approximately 375 giant army dudes have gotten their asses completely handed to them so far.

The army manages to recapture Jake but the rest of the rogue crew escapes. Hey, you have to deliver the exposition one way or another and when your lead has amnesia, options are limited. "Let's just say it's not about plutonium anymore," lady army guy tells her boss. OK!

They decide to go on some kind of mission and they're bringing Jake along. Then we meet BRAX. The next chapter is called BRAX. With half their crew wearing full hazmat suits (duh, because of the radiation) and the other half wearing nothing at all because we need to see the main characters' faces (duh), they descend into the forest. They come under fire from the same magic ninja stars from the beginning and they try to shoot the magic ninja stars. It doesn't go so well. They mix up the camera angle once again with a very forced front-facing angle during this chaos...


The sci-fi entity makes itself known and one of the guys tries to kill it with a machine gun, but it comes back to life immediately...



This thing is indestructible. But hey, that's BRAX for ya! BRAX gonna BRAX, folks.

The next chapter is called RABBIT HOLE and Jake falls into a literal HOLE and meets Cage where our main man speaks for the first time, over 40 minutes into the movie. "Who are you?" Jack asks. "I am you," Cage tells him. HUH?

They fight because WHY NOT. Can't go five minutes without a fight, people. Not in 2020's Jiu Jitsu. "Get off my piano!" Cage yells at one point. We also learn that Cage likes making funny paper hats during this sequence. What is even happening?? If you can make heads or tails of this dialogue, people, I applaud you...


The scene continues...

TITLE DROP ALERT (the first of many). Cage name-drops "BRAX." This is where we learn that's the spaceman's name, so the last chapter title makes more sense.

The rogue ninja crew and Cage take Jake on a hike towards the temple. Cage asks for something to eat. "Like a noodle or a tickle?" Like a what now?! ...


Begging this movie to just be normal for one second. They enter the magic temple now.

Cage starts expanding on the plot some more...


So that's that. No more mystery. That's the whole plot, completely spelt out for us. Also, did you notice one of the ninjas brings Cage something to eat in a paper bag?! Is there a deli in this magic temple???

So basically he has to fight this alien BRAX because... jiu jitsu??? I guess there is a little more to the mystery and by "mystery" I mean this doesn't make any fucking sense. They have to drive him back into the portal before sundown or else he'll kill everyone on earth. Or something. I don't know, man.

Cage unpacks it a little more whilst giving off some serious Vietnam vet vibes...


BRAX HAPPENS, y'all. Print the bumper stickers already! Jake's amnesia is just complicating everything lol. After every expo dump, he's just like, huh? It's so unintentionally funny but it also unintentionally mimics how the audience is feeling.

The next chapter is called MY TIME. Whose time, you ask? Oh, just some random character that sacrifices himself so the rest of the crew can keep moving forward...


Literally (not exaggerating) 6 minutes passed between him saying "it's my time" and that sword to the head.

Then the soldiers who tried to shoot up BRAX with a machine gun kidnaps Jake. He tells him that he's been tracking that thing for 24 years (???) and offers him some advice (before threatening to kill him with a classic cheeseball line)...


There are so many plot holes in this it's not even funny. For example, if he hasn't been stopped before, why hasn't he taken over the earth as they suggested he would? I'm lost!

Jake then links up with Cage again for a fireside chat while the latter tokes a joint. In addition to having amnesia, the actor playing Jake (Alain Moussi) is just the sleepiest dude imaginable. Zero personality and charisma. He's really just there to do the kicking and punching and IT SHOWS.

We see a flashback — pre ninja stars intro — when Jake first encountered the spaceman. For being the god of jiu jitsu or whatever this guy sure uses a lot of advanced weaponry.

Our next chapter (RABBIT) begins with a battle between lady ninja and BRAX and she nunchucks away some of his magic stars...


Then the other lady ninja puts double axes in his shoulders and that REALLY pisses him off...


Then BRAX kills another member of the crew with a magic karate spike kick...


Cage is now battling the alien in a sword duel. They bow to each other before the fight lol. Jack and the ninja girl just watch. Cage cuts his chest ope and fire spits out. We also get a nice look at BRAX's cartoon face before the alien gives Cage back his sword so he can kill him with honor often something? Here's this shit in double time because it just goes on and on forever...


RIP Cage. I was worried he wasn't going to be in this that much. And while it's a rare non-lead for him, he had a decent amount to do.

The next chapter is called MEMORIAL and here Jack learns that Cage was his father. I mean... I can't. He has a flashback of daddy teaching him the ways of jiu jitsu and then this guy, Alain Moussi, is forced to do some ACTING before randomly making out with the ninja girl. There are forced romances in movies and then there's this.

Out of nowhere, the comic relief soldier from the beginning of the movie shows up with some grenades and he's brought the old local couple along with him for some reason. They heal her and we get some more funky subtitles. They try to give her booze but comic relief man takes the bottle instead...


Romance? ✅
Comic relief? ✅
Action fighting action oh yeah supreme ass action sci-fi martial arts shit that never ends? Triple ✅✅✅.

The alien barges in and interrupts their little party and the old lady starts shooting him up with a shotgun hahaha...



Final chapter time? Maybe. There's only like ten minutes left and this one's called TIME TO DIE.

Jack and BRAX jiu jitsu each other like crazy in the temple. I fully expect this fight to take up the entirety of the remaining runtime. The portal behind them starts going nuts and ninja lady helps him out. Then comic relief man throws him the grenade which he stuffs into an open wound on the alien's chest and karate kicks him into the portal...


The giant stereo ass system looking space portal closes up behind him. Guess that's it? So this wasn't going to be the first time in 1,000 years where BRAX finally wins? You're kidding me. Let's do some quick math: 1000 ÷ 6 = ~166. So the space alien is 0-166 all-time vs. the human warriors. Maybe stay on the comet next time! Or pick a new line of work. You're not good at this, man.

Comic relief dude comes out from hiding with the bottle of the booze and says, "We good?" He takes a swig and says, "See you in six years" and that's how the fucking movie ends...


Good lord this was stupid. It's basically too dumb to truly hate, though. I appreciate the fact that if you're going to make a movie this fundamentally ridiculous, you might as well go whole hog with it. And Jiu Jitsu certainly did that and then some! But I never want to watch again. THE VERDICT: 5 CAGES OUT OF 10 • CLICK HERE for all 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔜𝔢𝔞𝔯 𝔬𝔣 ℭ𝔞𝔤𝔢 Chapters + Ongoing Rankings.

CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 655 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 657 ⫸

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Jiu Jitsu is a 2020 American science fiction martial arts film directed and co-written by Dimitri Logothetis and starring Alain Moussi, Frank Grillo, JuJu Chan, Tony Jaa and Nicolas Cage. The film is based on the 2017 comic book of the same name by Logothetis and Jim McGrath. The film was a box office bomb, grossing less than $100,000 against a budget of over $25 million, and was critically panned. It was released on November 20, 2020.