 | MOVIE #1,656 • 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿 • 05.23.24 ALBERT & AKERMAN: AN AUTEURIST STUDY IN CONTRAST + CONTINUUM It seems interesting to pair what’s widely considered Ackerman's best film with what might be Pyun’s worst, though when I use the word “interesting” I’m not sure I really know both ‘the what’ and ‘to whom exactly?’ As I mentioned in the Alien from L.A. critique, Pyun was brought in as an uncredited hired gun to finish the picture when original writer-director (the ‘I’m sure very real person’) Rusty Lemorande was axed. In an age when most cinematic mysteries have been at least partially unveiled by the magic of the internet, this saga is still one that’s cloaked in mystery. Probably not for ANY nefarious reasons, mind you. I just can’t imagine anybody out there — save an odd handful, which I currently find myself among — really care. |
The story goes that screenwriter Rusty Lemorande started directing a family-friendly versin of Jules Verne’s Journey to the Centre of the Earth in the style of Jim Henson’s Labyrinth. The poster for Rusty’s version promised puppets, adventure and Emo Phillips. Unfortunately, for reasons I couldn’t discern in my research (Money? Time? Skill?), the production was shut down, but Cannon had already cashed the cheques from the pre-sales, so a product had to be delivered. Cut to: Albert Pyun takes on the arduous task of finishing the film, I assume, because he suggested that he could use the underground sets still standing from his previous Cannon production Alien from L.A.This all makes perfect sense (to me, at least), but the timeline doesn’t quite jive. Via Pyun’s own words in an issue of Cinefantastique magazine, he more or less states that he finished Journey before filming Alien. Considering that the initial shoot for Journey began in summer of ‘86, this would make sense. But the finished product (which, more or less, ends up being a sequel to Alien) certainly says otherwise. What I’m trying to say is both A) we’ll never know for sure, and B) WHO CARES?!
What we’re left with is more or less two separate movies Frankensteined together (and that’s not counting the random Cannon stock footage inserts). The mucky point of delineation seems to occur when the three main characters (a set of brothers and a British nanny hired to watch over a dog) drift off to sleep and have ‘dream sequences’ which seem to only exist to utilize the last remaining footage from Lemorande that couldn’t have been sandwiched in otherwise…
Man, those giant Dark Crystal-ass dudes look pretty cool (+ Emo Phillips!): I would have watched THAT movie! But let’s rewind. Journey dares to ask (and answer) the question, “Is there something sinister going on in the center of the earth? No one can really say.” This is actually a good setup for the living/breathing shrug emoji that follows. The first half of the film is cheesy and bad, and the storyline is askew and totally half-baked, but the plot is straight-forward enough. A British nanny is on the verge of getting kicked out of the “Nannies R Us” Academy (lol) before taking a final job in Hawaii (a sample of the dialogue: “I'm not nanny material… being a nanny is all I've ever wanted to be.” “What are you gonna do now?” “Teach karate I suppose.” WHAT). This final job is as last-ditch as they get as we hear over the phone that the previous nanny was eaten by five pitbulls. Honestly, everything about this opening in the ‘UK’ felt like I was on drugs.
So she goes off to Hawaii and meets an alcoholic rocker dude in a hotel who gives him his dog in a baby carrier (as a disguise! because dogs aren’t allowed in the hotel). On her way to get the dog a bath, she gets tangled up with a pair of brothers (and their little sister, who they’re immediately separated with and we never see again). How does this happen? Well, the older brother runs over the nanny’s foot with his Jeep and accidentally steals her dog biscuits. I've seen movies stretch your common sense to get from point A to point B but this is truly something. How do you get a trio of siblings and a British nanny caring for a debauched rock star’s dog that she's passing off as a human baby into a Hawaiian cave in search of… something? Hey, that's no easy task!
"They're not dog biscuits, they're mine." Haha yes.
I actually really enjoyed the first thirty minutes for what they are: incredibly stupid and harmless fun. There are asinine one-liners right and left, like “Must be some of your American graffiti” (in reference to what looks like ancient cave paintings?) and “This isn't England, tea bag.”
But then, out of nowhere, we’re in Pyun’s underground vision from Alien (“You're in the city of Atlantis…” “New Jersey?” LOL). At this point, the continuity is completely broken. They just ditch the big brother character completely, as the nanny and the middle child (Ilan Mitchell-Smith from Weird Science) navigate their way in a post-Wanda Saknussemm Atlantis. (One big flaw — "one"… lol — Hawaii is nowhere near Africa last time I checked.) And this is where the genius of Pyun comes in: he completely shoe-horns in direct aspects of the Alien from L.A. plot to make this a bonafide sequel. This Cannon is canon.
I’m kidding, to a degree. It’s like Pyun is playing an inside joke that only he’s in on (and maybe Kathy Ireland too). Atlantis has developed a Wanda Saknussemm cloning factory for some reason, and there is some incredibly uncanny valley shit happening…
We also get a better look of the creepy leader man in the spinning chair from Alien, the pay-off nobody knew they wanted…
But before any real plot can develop in this incredibly goofy second half, we’re whisked back to earth with one of the most jarring transitions I’ve ever seen…
This ending, man🤦. They simply ran out of footage! And tacked on the most ridiculous five minutes, complete with Kathy Ireland in a non-speaking role. We then conclude with a full nine (9!) minutes of montage into credits. This is basically an experimental film. The cuts to black in this music video-ass ending are so long (every second counts toward that final sub-80-minute run-time!). This is how the actual movie ends — the last image you see: a non-character actress wearing a Kathy Ireland uncanny valley mask, ripping it off, making a crazy face and FREEZE FRAME...
So many more questions than answers. But also: so much of Pyun’s signature is stamped all over this. I’m not being contrarian here: I legit had a lot of fun watching it. This is the type of left-field project that simply could not be made again. And when you consider its mysterious backstory and various SBIG elements, I would say it’s a must-watch for any Pyun devotee out there.
CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ MOVIE #1,655 - (YOU ARE HERE) - MOVIE #1,657 ⫸
⫷ MOVIE #1,655 - (YOU ARE HERE) - MOVIE #1,657 ⫸
Journey to the Center of the Earth is a 1989 fantasy film. It was a nominal sequel to the 1988 film Alien from L.A., both of which are (very) loosely based on the 1864 novel Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne. It was released on June 9, 1989.
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