 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿1 | 🎙️ EPISODE 292: 08.04.2020 You'll never forget WHERE you were, the first time you see WHERE the Boys Are '84. Whereas posters and advertising material presented the film's title as Where the Boys Are '84, the onscreen title is simply Where the Boys Are. That's neither here nor there as Where the Boys Are WHENEVER THEY ARE is WHERE I wanna be RIGHT NOW (and ALWAYS)! Let's try that again: Where the Boys Are '84 is one of the stupidest things I've ever watched. It's beyond dated, sexist, poorly made and acted, and just deliriously dumb. The kind of movie made for people who are so incredibly dumb in such a specific way that they do not and never will realize it (aka BOOMERS! yea I said it). My IQ dropped at least 100 points after viewing this. I loved every second of it. Lemme |
The setting is 'Penmore College'–some small, bland and snowy New England university–and four girls are getting ready for their big spring break vacation to Florida. There's the slut, the rich spoiled brat, the studious music major, and the girl who is breaking up with her boyfriend. Hey, you would too if the sex was so...
How do we know what these ladies personalities are like? Well, this magnificent piece of dialogue where they all blurt out their preferred word for "urine" says it all...
They drive to Florida in about thirty seconds, picking up the above hitchhiker on the way (Scott Nash, you know of the band Scott Nash & The Ramblers?). Social distancing is definitely NOT A THING. All of these coeds have converged from across the country to spread disease and have the time of their lives! ...
They check into their lodgings (the Fort Lauderdale Hotel, lol) and, well, can't blame this shitty ADR on the crowds...
How flipping crazy is this spring break? Well in the first ten minutes of the film there's a live leopard AND boa constrictor being carried randomly in the background. Neither have anything to do with the plot or are ever seen again...
The weirdest–and, in a sense, most troubling–aspect of this thing is that is so clearly geared FOR women. The entire story is told from their perspective and yet they have nearly zero agency in every decision they make and are often portrayed as dumb as doornails taboot. One could chalk that up to "hey it was 1984 whattaya expect?" and I suppose that's true, but it's nonetheless a mesmerizing experience here in 2020. This isn't Porky's. There's only a couple, obligatory bare breasts. The lewd humor is kept to a minimum overall. In fact, it's a remake of a 1960 movie (hence the inclusion of '84 in the title). And I suppose this note via Wikipedia counts for 'progress' (?):
Although touted as a more "realistic" version of the popular 1960 film, with nudity and drug references, the date rape storyline of the original does not appear in this version.🤦 jesus fucking christ 🤦
Anyway, back to the plot. Each one of the four chicks essentially has their own convoluted love story going on. None more loathsome than the rich spoiled brat who falls in love with a cop who is married. Because I am a glutton, I've gone ahead and stitched together a... what's the opposite of a supercut? I've edited together all of this cop's scenes into this 11-minute segment2. Truly one of cinema's most despicable villains ever ( PLEASE: take extra note of ~0:45-2:45 where he arrests two of the ladies for drunk driving after a dangerous high-speed chase [!!!😱!!!] )...
Just insane. Oh yea, the great Christopher McDonald shows up as the cameraman for Scott Nash's band Scott Nash & The Ramblers, which is a normal job to have...
Needless to say, having arrived at "where the boys are" (Fort Lauderdale, FL, the best if not only place for boys) the GIRLS commence getting "seriously shit-faced," but "shit-faced with dignity"...
Meanwhile, music major lady is perhaps starting to fall for Scott Nash of Scott Nash & The Ramblers fame, and they share some painful ADR and an awkward kiss...
Remember earlier when two of the four ladies went drunk-driving and got into an extremely dangerous car chase before crashing? Well, sure, they WERE treated with respect because of white privilege but they still wound up in the slammer. Luckily, one of the other girls entered a "hot body" contest to win cash to bail them out, or, well, one of them. Coin toss! ...
Then we finally meet my favorite character of the entire movie, CAMDEN! who is rich girl's cousin, and he kisses his mother (her Aunt Barbara) on the lips (twice). Totally normal...
Well, the flick is about half over now, and if you were wondering if it was all about the BOYS and chasing BOYS, falling in love with BOYS, etc. you'd be wrong. It's pizza n' weed GIRLS time!! And you know what that means? Only one thing: more deliciously atrocious screenwriting that ends with them giving the slutty girl's rubber man doll a viking funeral, of course. Duh. I've sped up some of this to save you some time...
The slutty girl is, believe it or not, the least developed character. Her journey basically just involves wanting to have sex with someone who looks like Conan the Barbarian (before an epic plot twist at the end). Unfortunately, this stud muffin turns out to be a gigolo and she is not happy about that...
Plot-wise there's actually stuff happening and it's not the most asinine thing, believe it or not. There are two main love triangles: the music major is being set up with her friend's cousin, the aforementioned, astute composer Camden (see, the music connection?). HOWEVER, our friend the hitchhiker Scott Nash (perhaps you know his band? Scott Nash & The Ramblers) has plans of his own. Then there's the girl who broke up with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend comes back and is supremely weird, and she is digging on Christopher McDonald's character. It's the exact same thing, only less of the focus. Also, he gave up Vermont for Lent (?) ...
The last half-hour things start to really fall apart. There is rich person's gettogether at rich Aunt Barbara's that 1,000s of beach freaks crash when Scott Nash & The Ramblers' Scott Nash–who is ostensibly so poor that he has to take an impromptu job as a busboy earlier in the picture–scrounges up enough money to pay for a WWII-era biplane banner advertisement. The animals crash the party like they are going to war; it's magnificent...
The party RAGES but Camden the nerd is trying to either get laid or make beautiful music or both or none of the above. It's not really important. It's D-flat... Check that, E-minor diminished. Then Christopher McDonald gets slapped for literally no reason...
So Camden teams of with Scott Nash & The Ramblers' very own Scott Nash, after both squander their chances with Jenny the music major, and then they seriously bro-down on some self-loathing and songwriting vibes. When they wake up in the pool the next morning they have a legitimately profound conversation...
Camden is so hungover he can't act like a normal human being. Or that's just the gift of actor Daniel McDonald, real life brother of the great Christopher McDonald. I really can't say enough about this performance. I'm not kidding. It's subtly hilarious and super weird...
It's concert time!!! (for the United Charities of South Florida, lol) and Camden Roxbury is ready to debut is very own, wait for it... "QUANTUM SONATA!" a piece of music written by one Louis St. Louis, best known for writing "Sandy" from Grease...
The final fifteen minutes of this are just completely bonkers and out of control. There's the final stuff with the cop and his wife and child that I posted above, and the grand finale on stage at the concert ("Suite for Jenny" haha), which just has to be seen to be believed...
Ultimately, music major girl gets with you-know-who (Scott Nash, of Scott Nash & The Ramblers), breakup girl gets back to get together with weird sex Lent guy, and in the big plot twist: Camden gets the slut!
And that's that...
Or is it?
In a movie filled to the brim with cringe, they save the best for last. As disgusting an ending freeze frame as I've ever seen...
Women. Their only purpose in life? To stupidly and blindly pine after insane and depraved men. The circle of life.
So yeah, I hate to get all preachy and won't but goddam if this spectacular mess isn't Exhibit A for how the people ruining America got where they are. Made by Boomers for Boomers3, to be examined for generations to come. If we didn't have Where the Boys Are '60 and Where the Boys Are '84 then we wouldn't be where we are today... Exactly where we started. And the BOYS aren't going anywhere, baby! Where the Boys Are 2020: Boy Harder!!!
FOOTNOTES:
1. NINE (9) is a high score for this. Yeah, I get it. But it truly feels like one of the great unknown "good bad movies" and I'm probably overrating for the sake of awareness. [BACK]
2. There is a guy in this supercut, the sketchy drug guy @ ~6:00, who shows up throughout the movie. He's played by an actor named Barry Marder who's better known as a stand-up comic and writer (he wrote on numerous latenight talkshows including Letterman, and co-wrote Bee Movie with Jerry Seinfeld lol). I was going to make a supercut of just his (totally random and really great) moments but I've already spent enough time on this already. [BACK]
3. I'm probably not making this OK BOOMER point correctly. I guess it's more of a feeling I had whilst watching the film. The director, Hy Averback, is actually a member of the vaunted "Greatest Generation" as he was 64 (gross) when he steered this ship. But the writers of the picture certainly were as were the actors, albeit babies of the baby boomers. [BACK]
CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 291B - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 292B ⫸
⫷ EPISODE 291B - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 292B ⫸
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