Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman

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🎙️ EPISODE 297: 09.30.2020 It's hilarious to me and frankly kinda fitting that this completely forgettable TV movie from 1993 closes the book on my Chris Guest DF. Because I almost forgot to watch it! I completely glanced over it when I was organizing my watch/re-watch schedule, as if the title on the screen was purposefully blocking my eyes from seeing it (for my own good). And while I don't think I can legally give it any score higher than 3, it's not wholly unenjoyable in a "this is complete and utter trash" way. It's actually hilarious that this is what passed for original content on the then fledgling network, HBO. For a film that came out six months after Jurrasic Park–obviously a horrible comparison given the budgets, but in terms of what was actually feasible–the special FX are so laughably bad that by the climax of the film you're likely to become enamored by them (I was). But, unfortunately, it's not all green screens and minatures; real live human actors are also involved.

And lemme tell you: Daniel Baldwin acting opposite a green screen is not one exactly a solid addition to our country's rich cinematic history. There are some decent performances in the supporting cast, including a couple familiar faces from the Guestoverse (The actor who portrays Mr. Not Guffman plays a quack doctor, for example). There are also some throwaway characters (like the Sheriff and Deputy) who bring nothing to the table. Honestly, much of the film's myriad flaws could be forgiven if we didn't have the opening 45-60 minutes of dreadfully boring setup. When Daryl Hannah finally grows (because: aliens), the film is fun in all the bad ways I just listed. The getting there was such a slog, though, I nearly turned it off. Bad dialogue, bad acting, and not a single laugh. And the so-called "feminist themes"... don't get me started! (Hilariously, a critic for the flippin' NY Times wrote, "This made-for-cable remake of the cult favorite 1958 film of the same name is updated with an even more feminist slant and has a more thoughtful (and clever) script..." which makes me think that I 100% could have been a critic for the NY Times in 1993 and I was only 12 then! Truly one of the least CLEVER scripts in existence perhaps.)

It is also worth mentioning that I have zero relationship to the original 'cult classic', though I–like most–know OF IT. I don't doubt for a second that it's worlds better than this drek. I'm actually kinda surprised this hasn't gotten a modern 2010s+ reboot. It seems like the perfect type of 'I.P.' to be flaunted and ruined this day and age: directly accessible to the older demo, sorta accessible to the middle (me) and weird enough to appeal to a younger crowd. Anyway, just hit the contact button above if you'd like to hire me as a big-time Hollywood exec, is what I'm sayin'...

Enjoy this gif and clip party and have a nice day!

I'd say a good 50% of the movie (and 100% of all night shots) were shot inside studio sets. It looks bad, yes, but bad in a way that I kinda like. Here we see Daryl Hannah get abducted by aliens and the first of two instances wherein Daniel Baldwin runs away in an extemely awkward manner...


Finally, she starts to grow (yay!) and the movie starts to get good (yay?)...


Daniel Baldwin (comedic genius) makes a PMS joke...


Here's Daryl Hannah crawling out of a barn and the quack doc holding a giant syringe of Xanax...


Some more A+ acting and special FX...


Here's the aforementioned sheriff and deputy in a rare and completely misplaced 'serious' scene...


There is a music montage set to a song called "Stand Tall" (get it?) by Greg Prestopino who may or may not have written this song specifically for the movie. In case you were wondering what the song sounds like (and honestly I'm sure that you were), it sounds like this...


With about 20 minutes to go in the movie, the "Attack" portion of this movie begins and honestly why couldn't it have just been 90 minutes of this...


It's all so delirous and great...



This climactic finish is honestly tremendous (not even kidding)...




[PS. THE VERY END TAKES PLACE ON EITHER AN ALIEN PLANET OR ABOARD THE SPACESHIP WHERE THE GIANT WOMEN ARE IN CHARGE AND THEIR TINY MEN ARE IN A GROUP THERAPY SESSION; I'VE INCLUDED THIS ENTIRE CLIP HERE (ABOVE) BECAUSE IT IS JUST TOO BAD TO BELIEVE, FROM THE COSTUMES TO THE SET TO THE (OBVIOUSLY) BAD ACTING. BUT. THAT'S. NOT. ALL. THE FILM ENDS WITH THREE 'WHERE ARE THEY NOW' POSTSCRIPTS (BELOW) FOR THREE CHARACTERS YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT (THE DEPUTY, THE SIDEPIECE AND THE PSYCHIATRIST–THREE WOMEN, GET IT? FEMINISM?). OH SHIT I NEVER MENTIONED THAT THE MOVIE BEGINS AT A REST STOP / WELCOME CENTER SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT AND THE WHOLE THING IS ACTUALLY A 'FILM WITHIN A FILM' BEING SHOWN AT THE WELCOME CENTER TO A GROUP OF TOURISTS AS IF THESE EVENTS ACTUALLY HAPPENED, BUT THEY NEVER RETURN TO THIS SCENE IN THE END LOL. ANYWAY THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT AND FRANKLY IT WAS TOO MUCH!



In all seriousness, the final 30 minutes are probably worth watching and are like a 7, but the beginning is like a ZERO or 1 so that equals out to–*checks notes*–yep, a 3. That's science, y'all. Now. Now, that's really all I've got. I realize I wrote "that's all I've got" already and I'm sorry for lying to you, dear reader; it shan't happen again.

CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 296B - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 297B ⫸

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