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Apostle


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🎙️ EPISODE 278: 07.15.2020

There's no real reason why this movie is called Apostle, other than that is a religious word and this movie is about a quasi-religious cult. (I say "quasi" because the cult is actually based on a plant-based witch/ghoul hybrid who drinks human blood.) Anyway, this is a movie on Netflix and I watched it. Its director is a guy named Gareth Evans, who is apparently best known for his Indonesian action crime films The Raid (2011), and The Raid 2 (2014). I should also mention that Evans is a white dude from Wales who looks like this:

Listen I'm not saying we're living in the simulation but I'm not saying we ain't either.

What's odd is, I went into this thing fully cold and when the characters started to do some heavy kungfu-type fighting which was clearly and superbly coreographed in what, to that point, had been a pretty straightforward psychological horror, my Spidey sense started to tingling that something was off. The wildly escalating and increasingly nonsensical plot wasn't helping either.

This is all to say that it's of course fine for a dude from Wales to be into highly specific brands of Indonesian martial arts, but also maybe don't necessarily include them in your period piece cult horror? While I am not personally recommending this, I want to be clear that on some level I really appreciated it for its commitment to being as weird as possible. Its visually stylized and generally the acting was good, too. I'm sure there are some thirteen-year-olds out there for whom this is the best movie ever made.

For shits and giggles, here are my original notes (warts and typos and all) that I took on my phone as I watched this and tried to make sense of the action/plot...

Sister kidnapped by a cult. Drug addict bro sent to save her. Classic tale

Highly stylized look to this one

Swapping IDs on the boat to cult island

The Lamb. 740

The poor man's Amy Adams 💔

Cult leader is this guy

The happening plant thing ??

Dry hump, blood rituals

Ok so 30min in this turned into full fledged ghost n ghoul horror ok

It's fine

Floorboards blood monsters do be loving blood

That guy goes to the secret hut

Cross back scar

Uhfhgjf sick goat baby ahhhhh

Convenient second assassin very sassy

Wasn't there just like 3 other new guys. Why not interrogate all of them and nevermind this rigamarole

Weird mask party because = cult

And... The jig is up almost exactly halfway through. Our hero finds the blood ghoul In the rat water as he escapes then enters a cave with some csve paintings then the guy returns to the blood ghouls man home (she's really a plant ghoul ) and he's totally jealous also there is a gimp sidekick there too

Flashback to Jesus Christ some crusade in China and they brand him as a cross buns. Pretty nice shot sequence

"God is suffering"

The teen pregnancy has angered the plant blood ghoul thing ? Or was that just a bad cut

Also I feel like a lot of this dialect is inconsistent.

Dad of pregnant teen thinks baby will b like that weird goat so .... He murders daughter? Or just the fetus?? No both. Blames it on the boy after they have a big fight

Just thinking more about this premise.. so the prophet guy finds thhis island and then meets the plant blood ghoul and is like ok sure yeah I'll start a cult to give u Mason jars full of blood in exchange for making things grow on this barren island ? Cray

Now the.crazy dad is squishing the boys head in a ritual torture killing. A "cleanse" ... Actually they are hand winding a big drill into his head. There are two guys who got dressed up in black kkk outfits for no reason in the BG

Perhaps this is just a lobotomizing like the gimp guy? No he's ded

Mad dad is calling out the prophet. We got a mutiny on our hands

Frank goes to kill the ghoul but the gimp is waiting with a gun even tho he was at the brain drill and our hero gets there at the same time now everyone's therr. Idk

Everyone's motivations have gone out the window. No clue. This sets up anything and everything of course ... Gimp is chopping up the sister I think and feeding the ghoul lil blood chunks and such it's all super creepy and weird. Oh shit his sister is still alive in a sack. That was... Different girl. They're reunited and it feels so good

But... Gimp clubs our boy. Ah very well. So close 😭

Gimp Is putting our hero through a giant meat grinder and he loses a few fingers but then he escapes and is now fighting gimp

He drops a hanging snvil ball on the gimls head the ghoul says she's been waiting for him. She does some mind control to him.

We get skem backstory of mad dad being the one who imprisoned the ghoul/goddess to begin with then

Hero sets her on fire

Mad dad was severely underdeveloped as a character to have randomly become the main villain here

Mad dad lays out his plan for prophets daughter and sister which is not good,.lots of annual rape etc. Then hero comes in and there is so much stabbing. Just a real 50 stab fight that ends with mad dad getting gutted. The fire rages on burning down all the buildings now

Hero and the two girls run to catch the fleeing boats but the hero can't make it on account of being stabbed a thousand times.

There are only three other people on the fleeing boat ? Huh. Side of the island volcano Bart's blood into the water as they leave.

The prophet who was shot earlier. By mad dad. Did I mention that ? He joins hero on the cliff overlooking the water. All their dropping blood makes the grass grow and it also grows inside the heros face as he lies on the ground The end.

Well shit. I have to give this film credit for just going off the rails in such an exponential manner, just getting more Bashit with every passing minute. I also like how the title was completely meaningless


CHRONOLOGICALLY
EPISODE 277B - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 279 ⫸

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