The film begins with one of the silliest but catchiest tracks ever written specifically for a movie (about hamburgers)...
We're introduced to the main character, Russell, your average American hunk who just can't keep getting kicked out of college for extreme horniness. He's played by Leigh McCloskey who seems like a fascinating dude IRL...
... an American actor, artist, author and philosopher. Throughout his acting career, McCloskey appeared in numerous television series and movies, including the popular American soap opera Dallas and a leading role in the Dario Argento-helmed supernatural horror film Inferno.I'll be honest, I think he's kind of great in this. His character — this kind of babe in the woods who women can't help throwing themselves at — is a nice, silly trope, and the perfect protagonist for a movie about hamburger college. Which makes the endless racism even more fucked and unnecessary (and, yet, ever the more fascinating). Not saying this thing had to be a family affair, but all the pieces were in place to — at the very least — leave out the hate speech.
As a painter, McCloskey has produced a number of works focused on occult, alchemical, and esoteric themes, including his own Tarot deck and The Hieroglyph of the Human Soul, a mixed-media art installation painted on the walls of his home library. His art work has been featured in popular music, including Flying Lotus’ 2010 release Cosmogramma and The Rolling Stones’ A Bigger Bang Tour in the 2000s. [SOURCE]
The plot hinges on the fact that a $250,000 inheritance is being held until Russell graduates from college, any college. So after his parents beat him up for getting bounced from yet another school for, umm, having sex? (Don't worry about it) he sees a commercial for Busterburger University...
Strangely enough, when he goes to Busterburger the next day, he's just ordering lunch and seemingly has no knowledge of their collegiate program. He has to be prompted by the store manager. And then, voila, he's in Colorado attending burger school. But not before an old lady literally dies at the drive-thru after being verbally assaulted by a talking pickle...
At orientation, they meet ex-NFL Hall of Fame linebacker Dick Butkus who is their mentor/drill sergeant/villain of the film, etc. The crew of people in Russell's class is your typical 80s assortment of weirdo types and typecast weirdos: there's the nerd, the fat kid, a nun (!), a sex-crazed female guerrilla from Central America, his Italian roommate Fred Domino, and a young black pop musician named Magneto Jones, who has been literally KIDNAPPED by the Burgerbuster people and brought to the university in handcuffs (which he wears for most of the movie!) in order to improve their minority imaging (they have no African-American owners at any franchise). YUP...
This was the moment when I knew the movie I thought I was watching, wasn't that movie. I knew it was all downhill from here. The only mystery was how far down the hill it would end up. (Spoiler: VERY far)
They immediately pivot off the racism for a second to do some fat-shaming (the movie's second favorite vice). The requisite overweight character (who's holding a stuffed animal for some reason) pulls out his Fatboy Pocket Shocker™...
This is relentless in its pursuit of tasteless stupidity.
Then Dick Butkus lays out the burger college's code of conduct before the owner of the whole shebang, the excellently named old man character Lyman Vunk, shows up with his trophy wife...
Butkus is also pretty great in this. He's not a good actor per say. But he's close to O.J. Simpson level in terms of ex-athletes providing serviceable comic relief in goofy roles. He also nails most of the racist bits a little too well, unfortunately, as you'll see.
Russell and Domino shuffle off to their dorm room and find their adorable hamburger beds and also Domino's supply of smuggled-in contraband...
So Russell is committed to abstinence for once in his life. He's there for a degree, not to father some "Guacamoleon" freedom fighter...
Some more unhinged stuff with the Fatboy Pocket Shocker™...
This proto-Chris Farley performance, leads the entire cast to jump in the pool with their clothes on, another checkmark of any 80s comedy worth a damn. The next day they're in class learning about "the 3 Bs"...
When their tasked with putting on safety goggles, Magneto Jones seemingly does a Stevie Wonder for no reason (other than racism of course)...
In another class, all they're learning is cutting onions and every character is crying hysterically. But my favorite segment of this montage of Busterburger University activities is this giant pickle autopsy which becomes a giant pickle birth (?!) ...
I'm seriously still trying to understand/unpack what even the joke is there. Oh well.
As I mentioned at the top, despite the vast and unending vulgarity and mind-numbing stupidity, there was some actual thought put into many elements of this film. For example, somebody had to build this functional burger-making machine...
Here is a movie that can transition from that directly into a pervy sex doll joke...
So the two roomies sneak into town to go to a Chinese Restaurant? Sure, OK. Wonder why they chose that as a setting. I'm sure it had nothing to do with racism. Oh, wait...
Russell's very 1980s sweater looks like it has swastikas on it, too, right? There they meet up with Leland Vunk's trophy wife and his daughter, who is engaged to be married to Dick Butkus. They reluctantly agree to dine with them when Dick Butkus shows up. So they sneak under the table where Fred Domino performs oral sex on the trophy wife...
Butkus catches them and so, naturally, he puts them into pickle-shaped torture chambers...
[WE'RE ABOUT THE HALFWAY POINT OF THIS SHITSHOW IF YOU WANT TO BAIL - F.Y.I.]
The next scene is massively confusing (even by this movie's standards). Mostly because it involves the crazy pickle scientist from before injecting the nerd with 20cc of bird cum. I said 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙧𝙖𝙯𝙮 𝙥𝙞𝙘𝙠𝙡𝙚 𝙨𝙘𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙞𝙣𝙟𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙙 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 20𝙘𝙘 𝙤𝙛 𝙗𝙞𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙪𝙢...
Like the pickle autopsy/birth sequence, I'm not sure quite what's happening here. I can't really think about it too much before my brain literally starts hurting. I'm sorry.
Anyway, they cut right from that nonsense to a scene at a 'church' called "Chapel of the Immaculate Restroom" where a choir is singing "Burgerlujah" ...
The horny Guacamoleon" finally throws herself at Russell but he gets out of screwing her by pretending to be gay...
Honestly, almost missed that gay joke. Surprised that it's the only one, frankly (you know, outside of the three or so "faggots" that Dick Butkus drops).
Anyway, Fred and the trophy sneak off to an unmanned running helicopter to have sex. Only they're interrupted by Magneto Jones who's looking to escape again. Somehow the chopper magically takes off and crashes into Dick Butkus's car. I could be wrong but some of these shots look like miniatures? It looks cool...
The saga of the nerd injected with chicken semen gets only weirder when he enters a shower where two heavyset women extract an egg from him (???)...
(Seriously, I can't even be bothered to think about any of that ever again.)
Then we get to the first part of their graduation tests, the 'oral exams' — which is just the students answering a bunch of stupid questions in a black room. Magneto Jones, because he is a black entertainer, fields his query in the form of a rhyme...
They then transition to the 'field exam' portion of their final test, where they're all brought to a real Busterburger's restaurant and thrown into the chaos of actual work. First of all, there are some truly unsettling burger boxes. For example, these look like sharks (or turtles?) and BABY? Baby-what exactly?! ....
Every moment the rest of the way is just more insane bullshit on top of already extreme nonsense. They all loudly curse at a small child...
Then a bus full of overweight people (“an eating club”) shows up at this test Busterburger’s. And it's just demented. They start stealing other diners’ food, acting like crazed animals, etc. The joke is nothing beyond, “hey, look at these fat people.” They even pump in piggy squeals sound effects as they’re stuffing their faces…
At this point the film also breaks down all walls of logic to push through some more extreme racism. Dick Butkus is behind all the crap that's making this 'field exam' impossible because: revenge. And he has one final trick up his sleeve. He accomplishes this by taking over the drive-thru order telecom system FROM HIS CAR and pissing off a black cop on a motorcryle that he somehow knew would be pulling up to the Busterburger's at that very moment???
For the record, I just want to state that in the movie Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986), former NFL star and Hall of Fame Chicago Bear Dick Butkus calls an African-American police officer "Kunta Kinte." #NeverForget
Moving right along. To get rid of the fat people, they put laxatives in milkshakes and you know where this is going (some place bad, really bad)...
Yup. They blew up the building with the force of their collective diarrhea.
Just let that sink in...
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Then a biker gang shows up. Another test, I guess. They start wrecking the joint. And when the (all black) troop of cops show up, they aren’t there to help with the rioting motorcycle gang; oh no, they've shown up to join in on the chaos as revenge against Dick Butkus's racism. And for a split second, when the biker gang and the black policemen come together in solidarity, a glimmer of hope shines through…
But Butkus isn’t done fucking with these burger students yet. Like an absolute psycho, he runs a chicken truck off the road so it crashes into the already destroyed fast food restaurant…
The nerd then unleashes a gun and is about to kill himself when Russell rallies the crew…
(OK, the joke about "where's the music coming from" and then having it play "Burgerlujah" from the megaphone hooked to the outside of Lyman Vunk's fancy car was pretty good.)
So the head honcho shows up alongside Dick Butkus and he's pretty pissed. But the nun randomly eats one of the chickens from the crashed chicken truck that accidentally got cooked (?) and saves their asses in — you’re not gonna believe this — the STUPIDEST way possible…
After Dick Butkus’s plan is foiled because the nun inadvertently comes up with a marketing slogan, Russel puts the Fatboy Pocket Shocker™ up Butkus's his ass and that shocks him and he drops a milkshake over the boss’s head...
So he gets a major demotion and everybody gets to graduate because chicken. And marketing slogans. Sure. Then it cuts to the graduation ceremony and Magneto Jones finally gets his handcuffs removed (Jesus Christ) and then he shows off his true talents by taking us home with a soulful rendition of the Busterburger’s theme song…
It ends on a freeze frame (naturally) as the song from the opening credits plays again. Did Russel get his inheritance? Maybe? Who knows? This movie knew it couldn’t be a second over 90 minutes, so we can only assume it worked out in the end for our hot and hunky main dude and the rest of the class.
What more is there to say about Hamburger: The Motion Picture? I mean, I just cut out over a third of the film for you. Holy shit. What do you people want from me?
CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 542 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 543 ⫸
⫷ EPISODE 542 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 543 ⫸
Hamburger: The Motion Picture is a 1986 teen sex comedy film directed by Mike Marvin and starring Leigh McCloskey. The film stars Leigh as Russell Proco, who finds himself way too distracted by women who want to have sex with him. Proco decides to enroll in Hamburger University to become an owner of a Busterburger franchise. It was released on January 27, 1986.
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