That's not to say it isn't a fun watch, though. While it was a slog at times — especially in the first forty minutes — it pays off through a serious of wackadoo choices right until the very end. Why are we randomly introduced to a slew of unconnected characters halfway through? So they could employ some FX and horror set-pieces which run the gamut from hilariously bad to surprisingly effective. The fun gets rolling when the way-too-handsome church librarian (a real job I guess) unlocks the crypt in the church basement...
The movie also never really decides if all the weird shit inflicted upon its cast is really happening or not. Sometimes it appears to be hallucinations brought on by the evil, but by the conclusion it seems like all of that shit is literally happening? WHO CARES! Look at that dude rip his own heart out set to Philip Glass music!...
After the church librarian (patient zero for THE EVIL) rips his own heart out, he visits the film's main protagonist lady character and she sees him as a goat devil werewolf through the window only nope it's just a cute little ghost window stickie...
But then she's really being attacked by this thing and so SHE JUMPS THROUGH SOME PLATE-GLASS OUT OF HER HOUSE...
Meanwhile, Asia Argento's father, the churchwarden, has been infected with the evil as well and he attempts to wash her mouth out with soap before his reflection turns into a toy monkey...
Look at this fucking toy monkey...
The dad tries to get help by going to confession but it doesn't work. So he drill-hammers himself to death in the church basement (which also sets off the amazing Rube Goldberg machine mentioned earlier)...
Among the slew of unimportant characters that get trapped in the church after the Rube Goldberg machine locks the doors are: a touring group of children, a bickering old couple, a bickering young couple/motocycle enthusiasts, and a wedding party. The groom of the wedding party is the first of these disposable humans to experience the evil when he thinks a small sea serpent jumps out of the holy water and attacks him...
At this point, there's still a half-hour left and basically nothing makes sense. Sometimes these things are literally happening, sometimes they're paranormal hallucinations. And sometimes you see your motorcycle girlfriend strip naked and get seduced by a black angel of death...
(The slide out of that scene? Fantastic.)
Then the headmaster of the kids gets impaled by a gate because someone moved her glasses right under the door that the bride's dress was stuck in when the Rube Goldberg machine locked the doors and this someone I guess knew that the churchwarden who drill-hammered himself to death had come back to life somehow and was going to remove a gate from somewhere and try to kill the bride and that if they moved her glasses right there (she had been crawling around the floor looking for them when some possible-possessed kid stole them off her face) then she would put them on and standup right at the very moment that the bride moved out of the way so sorry headmaster of the touring group of children, but don't worry one of the kids will randomly start playing a trumpet (that he had on him?) right after you die...
More thought was put into that previous run-on sentence of this post then the entirety of the script for this movie.
The old couple makes their way up to the bell tower of the church for some reason and there is a hilarious cut from them poking around up there to Asia Argento dancing at a nightclub...
So at this point, the old creepy priest starts explaining to the young black priest that the Rube Goldberg machine was built by the members of the church to lock the doors and contain the evil if it ever got out. And he also explains how there's a second mechanism somewhere that will destroy the whole church. Then they have a struggle on an open balcony over some old documents and the old priest falls and dies. OK.
Asia Argento returns to the church just as the old lady is ringing the bell with the head of her dead husband...
Is this movie fucking with us?
While trying to escape through a tunnel, the motorcycle couple find a whole that leads to a subway and the lady falls and gets squished by a train (set to that same Philip Glass song) ...
I guess her dalliance with the black angel of death was short-lived? Either way, can't argue with how this looks...
It's amazing how little the main couple actors have had to do this entire time. We haven't seen them in like 20-30 minutes. That's about to change, however, because it's time for the satanic sex rituals! But first the bride claws her face because she thinks she looks old in the mirror...
OK, now it's time for the sex ritual! Which involves painting this chick's body with blood before the librarian turns into the Spirit Halloween goat wolf again...
Asia Argento, who I forgot to mention was also in the opening flashback to medieval times as the character "girl who wears a basket on her face," sees a picture of said girl and immediately begins speaking as if she is that person. Do. Not. Worry. About. It. Her and the black priest try to figure what the fuck is going on and she tells them about how the architect of the church was tortured and they do a flashback of that and it's sick and gross...
Then they show some full-on, good-ole fashioned demon boning...
It's so so dumb.
The last bit is that a giant blob of bodies rises out of the floor covered in mud and sorta sexual writhing about. It's actually kind of spectacular. This is the final evil and the young black priest knows it so he finds the secret second Rube Goldberg machine (the tongue!) and destroys the church with himself in it...
Flash-forward a year or so and a tour group is shown looking at the walled-off wreckage of the church (the bell tower survived). Asia Argento sneaks in to leave some flowers by a photo of her parents. There she randomly discovers the goat head stone thing which set off all the action earlier, and that reveals a hole cloaked in blue light. She stares into the hole and smiles and.... ROLL CREDITS...
But what does it mean, mannnnn??? Haha, obviously nothing. This is a movie whose creators were talented enough that they couldn't help tripping into stuff that was legitimately good, and lazy (or possibly high) enough to capture stuff that was so bad it became unintentionally good. And that all adds up to a uniquely fascinating watch imo.
CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 552 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 554 ⫸
⫷ EPISODE 552 - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 554 ⫸
The Church (Italian: La Chiesa) is a 1989 Italian supernatural horror film co-written and directed by Michele Soavi, and produced by Dario Argento with Mario Cecchi Gori and Vittorio Cecchi Gori. It stars Hugh Quarshie, Tomas Arana, Barbara Cupisti, Asia Argento, Feodor Chaliapin, Jr. and Giovanni Lombardo Radice. It was released on March 10, 1989.
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