A Cure for Wellness

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🎙️ EPISODE 295: 09.23.2020 *Review starts @ ~ 13:31 This is one of the stranger movies I've watched recently. From a director who has had one of the stranger careers (at least when viewed peripherally; I can't really say that I'm too familiar with his work as one of the few people on the planet in their 30s who hasn't seen one second of The Pirates of the Caribbean movies–but, aww shucks, for the hell of it, let's sidebar this thought and take a look at the entire filmography of American director Gore Verbinski... Mouse Hunt (1997): I mean, I know OF this movie–a full-on slapstick style comedy featuring Nathan Lane that was actually a pretty big hit. I'm sure Verbinski went on to a have rich career making kooky comedy movi–

The Mexican (2001): I honestly don't recall if I saw this or not. Part of me thinks I watched part of it drunk or high at some point, but it's more likely that I just know OF it as well, most notably of course for featuring James Gandolfini in the role of a gay hitman. This was also a big success so of course Verbinski went on to a have rich career making progressive action adventu–

The Ring (2002): A supernatural horror film which is a remake of a 1998 horror film. This thing was a huge smash and, pardon my language, cultural moment which has spawned memes that persist to this day. No doubt, given how this 180 paid off, Verbinski went on to a have rich career making more spooky-ass psychological horr–

The Pirates of the Caribbean movies (2003-2007): One cool thing about me is that I have never seen any of these three Pirates movies + 95% of the Marvel movies + James Cameron's Titanic. I've heard good things but not for me, man! These Pirates flicks always seemed especially shitty to me, a smart person. You expect me to watch a movie based on a dumb theme park ride? No thank you. But nevertheless, these were fairly profitable, bringing in a total of close to, oh I don't know, 3 BILLION DOLLARS worldwide. SURELY Verbinski went on to a have rich career making more swashbuckler family-friendly fantasy epi–

The Weather Man (2005): I saw this one! The only Verbinski film I can say that for sure I've seen is perhaps the biggest flop of his career: a dramedy starring Nicolas Cage released in the middle of his Pirates and... oh no, I'm thinking of The Family Man (2000); I've actually never seen this one. Whoopsie. Anyway, then Verbinski went on to a have rich career making–

Rango (2011): Yes, Rango, the Academy Award winner for Best Animated Feature, featuring Johnny Depp as a talking frog doing an impression of Hunter S. Thompson or something. I obviously haven't seen this. But given that it was also a huge commercial success in addition to (somehow) being a critical one, I'm sure Verbinski went on to a have rich career making comedic Western-style computer animat–

The Lone Ranger (2013): The one where Johnny Depp plays a really offensive version of Tonto that nobody saw. Well, surely Verbinski went on to a have rich career making... )

THIS FILM.

OK. Welcome back to the review. We're all caught up now. That was fun, right? If the above wasn't AMPLE evidence that this director is kind of a weird guy, peep this bit of dialogue that arrives 10 minutes into this nearly 2 ½ hour affair, which is so painfully out of place, I covered my mouth like an offended old granny!

**Obama voice** Listen, I'm not gonna get into the plot at all when it comes to "reviewing" this movie. Why would I do that when I can just clip out this CGI deer car crash?


(Forget that the car moved back to the side of the road magically during this sequence; just don't think about that!)

This is not a good movie, no matter how you shake it. Thematically it, at first, feels like it couldn't be any clearer then it's either intentionally muddled as it goes along, or simply so clogged up with stuff that its theme becomes unattainable beyond "what's the deal with business men??" It also gets uncomfortably weird and kinda gross at times, with an ending that is equal parts magnificently creative and squeamishly offensive. There is also SO much of the 'wrong kind of exposition' in the first two hours (both red herrings and 5-55 scenes that could've been straight cut) that the final thirty minutes are playing an unwinnable game of catch-up; Verbinski's answer to this impossible equation is to just ramp up everything and anything. And he can (sorta) pull it off because he clearly has blockbuster-style filmmaking chops.

But I'll level with you... do I ever wanna watch this eel-infested cow fetus fall out of its mother again?

No, of course not! But I can't say that watching it the one time wasn't rewarding (?) it's own fucked up kinda way.

CHRONOLOGICALLY
⫷ EPISODE 295A - (YOU ARE HERE) - EPISODE 296A ⫸

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