Never on Tuesday

MOVIE #1,249 • 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿 • 11.22.23 Starting in 2020, I decided to watch & review the entire Nicolas Cage filmography in alphabetical order. This is 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔜𝔢𝔞𝔯 𝔬𝔣 ℭ𝔞𝔤𝔢 – Chapter 52. CAGE CAMEO ALERT! I repeat, CAGE CAMEO ALERT! By and large, Nicolas Cage does not do this. The main reason I picked him as subject for an A-Z actor filmography series is because he is almost always one of the leads, if not the top-billed star. In a career spanning over 100 films, I would say he’s listed first in the credits over 80% of the time. But there are a few exceptions, obviously. His blink-and-you’ll-miss-it “performance” in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. The voice of a secondary character in Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. Small-time sociopathic crook Eddie King in TWO films shot 25 years apart (Deadfall and Arsenal). But perhaps his most infamous pure cameo role is “Man in Red Sports Car” in Adam Rifkin’s straight-to-VHS, directorial debut: 1989’s Never On Tuesday…

That’s it. That’s the whole scene. Cage is as unrecognizable as the scene is incomprehensible. In fact, this movie seems to exist solely for its various cameos, and we will get to all of them. But first, what is this film all about? Well, two young dudes (Actor-director Peter “Pete” Berg in his first big role and his nerdy friend played by Andrew Lauer, who’s had an interesting career of his own) are leaving the midwest for La La Land with the sole mission of scoring hot babes when they get in a major accident on a remote desert road.

The driver of the other car (the titular “Tuesday” played by Claudia Christian) just so happens to be a hot babe and the rest of the movie unfolds over 24 hours of them becoming best friends as they attempt to get help. The twist, however, is that she’s gay! Making this the proto Chasing Amy I never thought (nor ever wanted) to see…


It’s amazing how similar this setup is to that horrible Kevin Smith movie. I couldn’t find anything online about whether or not this was an ‘inspiration’ however. (Just one of life's great mysteries, I reckon.)

It’s also amazing how almost nothing happens in this 90-minute film. It’s essentially fodder for A) these loser guys to have fantasies about screwing this unattainable babe as they endlessly ponder “why lesbians exist?” and B) a parade of SIX uncredited cameos. The second of which features traveling salesman Gilbert Gottfried…


As day turns into night, Tuesday changes her wardrobe at least three times and this unlikely trio instantly becomes the best of pals. At one point, over a campfire, things get weirdly serious for a second…


(The long pause at the end of that is actually perefect.)

Eventually Tuesday takes turns slow dancing with them, as one does. There are at least a half dozen dream sequences where the bros imagine screwing Tuesday in various oddball scenarios. The second weirdest one involves the nerdy guy at a snobby dinner party that ends with them having sex on the table in front of everyone as he eats a big hunk of meat like a maniac. I don't even understand the joke of this one…


Wherever they filmed this was really beautiful with giant mountains in the background. And this is the location for BY FAR the wildest dream sequence: Tuesday, who is topless, gets fucked on an ornate bed in the middle of the desert while — warning: I can believe I'm writing this — actual little girls in ballerina outfits dance around them. Needless to say I won't be sharing a clip of this. My god.

We're now ⅔ of the way through and, outside of their horny fantasies, we haven't moved from this one location and nothing has happened. Then we get to Charlie Sheen’s cameo. He plays a drunken thief with a bad southern accent who drops the F-slur, robs them of everything they have and leaves. He also drops the memorable line, “I used to rape guys like you in prison”...


Fun stuff! What road is this where the only people who stop are insane people driving classic cars?

Just as they decide to start walking to get help, motorcycle cop Judd Nelson shows up. And you're not going to believe this but he's an unhinged freak as well. He pulls his gun on them, as a joke, says he'll call them a tow truck and leaves…


The“comedy” here is simply baffling and impenetrable. This is beyond even anti-humor, though it’s so weird it’s sort of interesting?

Now it's time for the final uncredited cameos: tow truck weirdos Cary Elwes (whose brother produced this mess) and Emilio Estevez. They also have dumb southern accents even though this is supposed to be Nevada or something, though they're only strange and not psychotic…


Tuesday then makes out with both of the guys so they can seem cool in front of the tow truck drivers (?). They say their goodbyes as she gets into Estevez’s truck and Elwes drives off with the boys. The movie ends with a long pan of the desert road as the fitting oldie staple “Since I Don't Have You” plays us out.

There's nothing funny about this and it isn't really enjoyable to watch. BUT, as a truly WTF document, it's not quite boring. Cage does not do cameos as a rule so this is quite the rare entry in the series. Tune in next time for the $78 million budget sci-fi thriller from 2007, starring Cage alongside Jessica Biel and Julianne Moore (!), simply titled, Next.

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Never on Tuesday is a 1989 American comedy film written and directed by Adam Rifkin. The film was released on VHS video rental by Paramount Home Entertainment in 1989 and was originally slated to be re-released in the United States on DVD format through City Lights Entertainment before the company went out of business. It was released on September 13, 1989.